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COMEDY CLUB

 

All ships have some of the best comedians you can find.

Here are some actual questions, stories & jokes from some of the ships.

 
Passenger aboard the Norwegian Dawn asked the cruise director - Does the crew sleep onboard?
 
Passenger aboard Carnival's Fantasy asked a waiter in the dining room - What time is the midnight buffet?

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical and afterwards the doctor said " George", except for your bad eyesight, you are in perfect health. How do feel mentally?  George replied he felt really great because he had this special relationship with God!

"Every night when I get up to go pee, God turns the light on for me and when I am finished, he turns it off "  The doctor said are you sure?

George said every night!  The next day the doctor called George's wife and related the story.

His wife responded : " That idiot has been peeing in the refrigerator " !

 

True Story

Several years ago an elderly couple were getting ready for bed on the last night of their cruise and the gentleman was in the shower and his wife shouted to him, " Henry don't forget to pack a change of clothes in your carry-on bag so that you have something to wear in the morning.  Also put our luggage in the hall before you go to bed."
( For those of you who have not cruised before, you must put your luggage outside your door on the last night of the cruise. )

Henry rarely listened to her nagging and shouted back " yeah yeah yeah!" He saw the luggage when he came out and threw it outside and went to bed.

The next morning he got up and asked his wife where his shirt and pants were?  She answered, " I hope you remembered to put them in you carry-on bag!"

Don't worry, this story has a nice ending.  They were able to get off the ship okay and were just stopped briefly by customs officials when they asked Henry why he was wearing a dress? ( She had an extra dress in her carry on )

 


This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live." He said, "you have 35 years left."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years."
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"
 

Sharing a Meal  

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".
 

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
 

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."